Let Go and Let in the Sunshine

One thing I have been working on lately is learning to let things go.

Now that I have you singing a popular princess song in your head, let me explain.  I have a personality trait that can either be good or bad depending on the situation.  It is a tendency to think long and hard about things other people rarely give a second thought to. 

This can be a good thing because I come up with ideas and thoughts that are original.  I also tended to learn things really well in school and understood complex concepts that were hard for some people.

Unfortunately, sometimes it is a very negative thing.  That's because my imagination and memory sometimes get the better of me.  I have a rich inner life, but as with all strengths, it can also be an Achilles heel. 

I tend to remember things that happened to me really well when they are associated with strong emotion, which means I sometimes find myself holding grudges and judging people harshly.  I also tend to have a very vivid imagination, which means I sometimes find myself thinking up every possible bad outcome of a situation and worrying myself sick. 

In other words, the downside to thinking is over-thinking.  And I am guilty of over-thinking quite frequently.   Too often I find myself getting so caught up in negative thoughts about the past or future, that I can't seem to enjoy the beauty of the present.

So here's a list of things I've read or heard that should help me let things go.  Unfortunately, I don't have references for these because they are the result of a lot of reading, talking, and thinking over a long period of time.  They have all taken root subtly, and I don't know exactly whom to give credit for these.

1.  Realize that forgiving is not the same thing as condoning what happened.  In other words, I can let something go even if it was unacceptable and I'm not okay with it.  I'm not saying it's okay if it happens again just because I refuse to let thoughts of past hurts poison present happiness.

2.  Have a balanced view of things.  Sometimes I try to be realistic and don't see that I'm just being negative.  Pessimism is not the same thing as realism.  Even if I'm afraid to be too optimistic, the least I can do is not err too much on the side of being negative.

3.  Turn it over to God.  The whole point of the Atonement is that things that are not okay can be made okay through the Savior's sacrifice.  God can make the future a success even when my best efforts fall short.  So I can trust him to take care of things instead of thinking I have to do everything on my own.  I don't have to make myself crazy trying to take care of everything myself.  It's not my job to take care of everything; it's his.

4.  Lastly, give myself space to be human.  Sometimes things are hard to let go simply because I'm putting so much pressure on myself to let go.  When I don't give myself a little space to be upset or be worried just a little bit, I sometimes get stuck and can't move past it.  As long as I keep in mind that letting go is the ultimate goal, it's okay to let that process happen at pace I can actually be successful in and not try to force it too early.  I can fall apart just a little at first as long as I move on afterward.

So, good luck to me and to any of you who are working on letting things go.  Let's quit living in a world of negative thoughts and open our eyes to the sunshine around us.  

Counsel Together

In April 2016 General Conference, Elder Ballard advised us

"I know councils are the Lord’s way and that He created all things in the universe through a heavenly council, as mentioned in the holy scripture."

He then went on to counsel us that we should set up four different types of family councils in our home, the entire family, the executive council, a limited family, and a one-on-one family council.  

I found this talk extremely interesting because over nine years ago at the beginning of our marriage, my husband suggested that we start a couples council, or as Elder Ballard called it an executive council.  And I being the extremely wonderful wife that I am, proceeded to give him a look of disbelief as he explained that they do a companionship council on the mission and he really thought it would be a great time to discuss whatever needed to be discussed, to talk about problems that might be occurring, and to just come together in a good, healthy way. I did not understand the need for such a thing and while I didn't refuse to participate, I sure didn't help him or support him.  Being newly married, we talked all the time and discussed such a variety of topics that I couldn't imagine what else we would possibly do or discuss during this couples council.

After a few years, and a couple of kids, I began to realize that the suggestion to get into a habit of a couple's council was not such a weird, crazy idea and that between the needs of the kids and the demands of every other thing that we were doing, having already had a habit of this council would have been extremely useful to us.  As a result, we have struggled to put in place, struggled to keep it in place, and struggled to find a time for it in our busy schedule, but we have also found that this time of us counseling together has been indispensable and that we have grown together in ways that I think would have otherwise taken us years.  So here's a few suggestions on how to start your own couples council, if you haven't, or if you have, here are a few things that we have found that work in our own time of council.

1.  We set aside a specific time every week and try to keep it in a manageable time frame (such as a half hour to an hour) because we still have plenty of other demands that capture our time and attention.  In order to do this, we have allotted 5 minutes of time to each category that we talk about.  Sometimes we go over this 5 minute allotment.  Sometimes we set aside another time to talk about it later in the week because we don't have the time right that second.  Depending on what the topic is and how sensitive it is, that time could vary from driving in the car with the kids on our way somewhere to talking during our date night to picking a night after the younger kids are in bed to go to our room and finish the discussion.  But we really try to keep the entire council to under an hour.

2. We have specific categories that we talk about each time.  We have divided ours into schedule, budget, marriage, family, personal/school/work/business, and we recently added a service category.  

SCHEDULE - During our schedule time we both pull out our personal planners and talk about our upcoming week or month, if we have time.  We talk about anything that might affect the other person and their schedule, or anything that we think they would want to know about (ie I am currently pregnant so I tell my husband when my appointments are even though I know he can't make most of them).

BUDGET-  Since we don't have a written budget (on our list of goals to do), during our budget time right now we talk about upcoming expenses which can be as small as my husband needing work clothes to upcoming car registrations to as large as the insurance deductible for our upcoming baby.  This is also the time when either one of us can bring up something that we want and we put it on the list of things to work towards (in years past this has included laptop, HDTV, tablet, passes to Wet'n'Wild, tint on the windows of the car, etc).  We also look at our year long goals quarterly or semi-annually to see how we are doing towards those and if any of them have changed because of circumstances changing.  It can also be a time to see where each thing sits on the other person's list of priorities.  This has been eye opening for us at different times when we seem to be struggling or fighting over money, sometimes it has come down to one of us considering something a much higher priority and finding a way to reconcile that with the other person's priorities.

MARRIAGE - When we originally started doing a council, a lot of this 5 minutes (that usually turned into 20-30 or more) we spent talking about issues that one of us had with the other or problems that we had been having as a couple.  Over the time of doing this together, we have set a few weekly goals that have really seemed to help us to better connect and spend that time in a better way.  Right now, we keep track of how many times we prayed, read scriptures, whether we had a date night, how often we are being physically intimate, and whether we had our 5 minute check in phone call each day.  We have found that if we are struggling to connect with each other or are picking at each other more, especially over small things, that one of these has been ignored, and since we have been "tracking" these, we have found that its generally the same thing that has been ignored for several weeks and therefore needs special attention in the upcoming week. 

FAMILY - This is the time for us to talk about each of our kids and their wants and needs, we also talk about chore charts, FHE, family scripture, our morning & evening routines, our children's "allowances", etc as needed.

PERSONAL/SCHOOL/WORK/BUSINESS - This kind of became our catch all, if one of us is having a personal struggle or triumph that they want to share, here is the place.  When we were both going to school this is when we talked about upcoming tests, study needs, and how grades were going.  We also talk about work needs that my husband has, and because he wants to open his own business we also talk about ideas, funding, etc.

SERVICE - We started this category because we both have expressed that we want to be more involved in our church and communities, and to have our children be involved with us.  So here is where we talk about other people that we notice in our families, ward, or community that we know are struggling.  Sometimes the only thing we can do is put them on our "prayer list" of sorts where we make sure that in our personal prayers we are praying for them.  Sometimes they are the people that we decide to fast for in the upcoming month.  Sometimes we are able to do some real service where we go in and help in their homes or with a small treat or a meal for them or their family.  This is also where we plan our home teaching and visiting teaching times, helping to clean the church building, feeding the missionaries, or any of the other opportunities that we have to serve.

3. We take notes of the things that we talk about at the council.  We use one line for each category and the notes are usually not very detailed because the hope and plan is that you will be getting back together in one week's time and won't forget most of it.  Mostly the notes are there to either track how we are doing, or they are there to remind us of what we talked about.  I was going to take a picture of our notes but realized that we had too many personal things written so here is a typed version of what my notes look like from yesterday.

July 17, 2016
1. Schedule (written in personal planners)
2. Budget - (written list of the upcoming expenses or windfalls)
3. Marriage - couple prayer 7/7(how many times we did it over how many days in the week or our goal), couple scripture 7/7, date 1/1, 5 minute phone call 5/5 (and just as a side note, this was an unusual week, we usually look more like 2/7, 2/7, 0/1, and 3/5)
4. Family - chore charts, make FHE chart, morning and evening routine (these were our current things to check in on)
5. Personal/School/Work/Business (we had no notes this week because neither of us had anything to discuss under this topic)
6. Service - prayers- (list of people we want to remember to pray for), service opportunities for this week - clean building on Saturday, schedule HT & VT, indexing

That's all the longer the notes are, and are really just to remember what we talk about from week to week.  Not super detailed and not meant to be, but we do have a special notebook for them so we don't misplace them or have to search through anything for them.

4. No matter how many times we have skipped, we always keep trying to put it back in place.  For the last two years, our church was from 1-4 and this gave us plenty of time before church to do our couples council and then to get ready for church and as a result, I think we only missed 4 or 5 Sundays in the entire year.  Enter 11-2 church this past January and we have had council 2-3 weeks and then skipped 6 weeks, and this has been our consistent schedule for the last 7 months because we can't seem to find a consistently good time for us.  Hopefully the upcoming six months are better for us.  But really, always keep trying to put it back in place because it helps you and your spouse to come together and work together as a team.

My final thoughts are really just quotes from some of our prophets.  Elder Ballard's closing words included this counsel to us, "Now, brothers and sisters, there was a time when the walls of our homes provided all the defense we needed against outside intrusions and influences. We locked the doors, closed the windows; we shut the gates; and we felt safe, secure, and protected in our own little refuge from the outside world.
Those days are now gone. The physical walls, doors, fences, and gates of our homes cannot prevent unseen invasion from the Internet, the Wi-Fi, the mobile phones, the networks. They can penetrate our homes with just a few clicks and keystrokes.
Fortunately, the Lord has provided a way to counter the invasion of negative technology that can distract us from spending quality time with each other. He has done this by providing the council system to strengthen, protect, safeguard, and nurture our most precious relationships."

And finally, 2 Nephi 1:21 says "...be determined in one mind and in one heart, united in all things..."